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Hebert Hoover The Hands-Off President

February 21, 2012

ANNOUNCER

Dateline!  1931!  America!  Land of the Free Home of the Grave?  Grave News indeed!  The depression, gangland violence – but fear not!  From the sun of hope comes a ray of believing!  Because it’s time now for another thrilling adventure of HERBERT HOOVER – THE HANDS OFF PRESIDENT!

 

HERBERT HOOVER runs out.  He runs in place as patriot music plays.  SENATOR BENSON and WONDER PUP enter.

 

SENATOR

Mr. President!

 

                                    Music cuts out.

 

HOOVER

Don’t interrupt me – President Herbert Hoover — when I’m running to patriot music!  It keeps the spleen regular.

 

WONDER PUP

Bark!

 

HOOVER

Oh I can never stay mad at Senator Benson, the teen boy senator who was accidently elected because of a ballot error.

 

SENATOR

Whoop-dee!  And I just shot marbles and got Dawes’ agee!

 

HOOVER

And of course you, Wonder pup, the man who thinks he’s a crime fighting dog.

 

WONDER PUP

Bark!  Bark!  Growl!

 

HOOVER

Well you know my motto: Don’t help people – or they’ll never learn to help themselves!  Tis the Republican way!

 

HOOVER / WONDER PUP / SENATOR

Republicans!  Republicans!  Hugga-hogga hooga-hagga!  YEAH!

 

                                    They all chest bump.

 

HOOVER

Good, by reciting the secret Republican oath I know none of you were replaced by aliens from another world.  Like in my famous adventure . . . aliens from another world.

 

WONDER PUP

Bark.

 

SENATOR

We got a big problem, Prez, and I don’t mean deciding between taking Cindy or Mindy to the Senatorial Prom!  Because–Wait, I’m receiving a psychic vision—

 

WONDER PUP

Bow-wowzers!

 

HOOVER

No, wonder pup he didn’t say he was receiving a t-bone steak!  You crazy canine!

 

SENATOR

I see it now . . . The Senatorial Prom, there’s punch and streams, and Senator Gorman is wearing a tux and we’re all doing the jitterbug, oh it’s so . . . oh, oh SAD!

 

HOOVER

Sad?  But it sounds like a hopknot of a box social!

 

SENATOR

I’m with Cindy and. . . we’re sitting in the secret make-out compartment in the Supreme Court—

 

HOOVER

That’s where Taft Jr. was conceived!  After much lubricant.

 

SENATOR

I’ve read the plaque!  But I’m just . . . shucks to gonn-it, I’m only gonna get a hand job from that crying dame!

 

HOOVER

There’s nothing worse than a sloppy woman giving a sloppier hand job.

 

SENATOR

                        (Starts normal gets very dark, very evil by the end.)

I wrote that over the door of the white house, until someone caught me and made me erase it, but you can’t erase paint, you can only paint over it, with more paint, lying paint, paint that knows your–I mean, golly!  I have a whiz bang of an adventure for you today President Herbert Hoover!

 

HOOVER

Well shut your fucking mouth and tell me!

 

SENATOR

Telling is for Democrats, we’ll . . . show you . . . Wonder Pup join hands and we’ll transform into a magic bird.

 

WONDER PUP

Woof!

 

SENATOR and WONDER PUP clasp hands and transform into a magical bird.

 

SENATOR BIRD

Hop on my back . . . we fly . . .

 

HOOVER hops on they fly off.  In another area of the stage is an old woman – OLD MARM — with a badly made puppet and an empty chair.

 

OLD MARM

Well father, we in such dire straits, that you gone and went  puppty, and our boy jimmy has turned into a chair.

                        (As Jimmy.)

Oh, mama I don’t mind at least I got my splinters.

                        (Slaps chair.)

Shut yo mouth boy!  Ut-oh here comes the dust bowl.

 

Sounds of wind.  OLD MARM throws away Papa puppet.

 

OLD MARM

Father!  You done blown away in the dust bowl.  If it only it was a dust net and I could catch my dreams.  But.

                        (Slaps chair.)

You don’t sass me, boy!  Oh I can’t stay mad at you.

                        (Slaps chair.)

That’s for not letting me be mad!  And oh what’s–

 

 

SENATOR BIRD

Caw!  Caw!

 

SENATOR BIRD and HOOVER fly in, HOOVER gets off the bird.  The bird transforms back into SENATOR and WONDER PUP.

 

SENATOR

Uncombine!

 

OLD MARM

Wow, things.  Happening!

 

HOOVER

Go on I can handle this!

 

SENATOR

I’m gonna get me a phosphate with extra old timey reference!

 

                        SENATOR runs off.

 

HOOVER

Madame fear not it is I –democratically elected Republican president Herbert Hoover–famous for doing nothing to stop this crippling depression.  Because I believe you have to pull yourself up by your boot straps.  I’m here!

 

                        HOVOER sits.

 

OLD MARM

You’re sitting on my son.

 

HOOVER

I know.

 

OLD MARM

So you’ll help us since our crops all died and then the cows all died and the crops came back but double died and then the dream of crops died and then the water dyed itself blue which made all our chickens die and then the land done run out on us and left us with nothing but dust as infertile as my sister’s nethers – she’s the old maid school teacher up yonder —  I reckon.

 

HOOVER

Your story was as sad as it was incomprehensible.  But reckon nothing, I go around the country wherever I am needed and sternly tell them: “Help yourself.”

 

OLD MARM

But we got—

 

HOOVER

HELP YOURSELF!

 

OLD MARM

 nothing.  How can we help ourselves?

 

HOOVER

Try harder!

 

OLD MARM

But the soil is dead!  Our last bean grew wings and flew up to heaven.

 

HOOVER

You’re not going to get rich with that attitude.  Maybe you need motivation.  I’m going to cut up your son for fire wood.  Wonder Pup burn this chair!

 

WONDER PUP

Bark, woof!

 

                                    WONDER PUP takes the chair and runs off.

 

OLD MARM

Now I got nothing to live for!

 

HOOVER

Exactly!  There on the distance don’t you see George Washington wrestling that cherry tree and kicking a slave?  All in front of a waggling banner of Old Glory herself.  Look here he comes.

 

                                    GEORGE WASHINGTON enters.

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

I am George Washington!

 

OLD MARM

Oh I love you General George, when I was a young girl on the farm, I spent many an evening dreaming of you taking me away to Mount Vernon where you’d keep me in a small box and feed me rye bread and rub my haunches.

                        (To Hoover.)

I have a strange fetish.

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

I know, I watched you write in your weird wish book from up in Presidents’ heaven, but now you must fix your situation you must make the land fertile again.

 

OLD MARM

But how?  I got nothing to fertilize this land.

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Nothing?  Are you sure?

 

                                    WASHINGTON and HOOVER

 

OLD MARM

You mean me?  Use my flesh to give nutrients?

 

WASHINGTON and HOOVER nod,  help OLD MARM to the ground, she lays down.

 

OLD MARM

I’ve wanted for death often, when father used to mount me smelling of tarragon and he’d always sigh and say “well it’s better than a gunshot I guess.” Or when—

 

HOOVER

Shhh.  Shhh.

 

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Let go, don’t fight it.

 

OLD MARM

I’m not.  I’m . . . oh here it goes.  Dead.

 

                        OLD MARM dies.

 

HOOVER

That’s it decompose now, let your body replenish this soil and in time it’ll become a strip mall or an Irish Pub that has nothing authentic or Irish in it, but good deals on pints.  Maybe even a Jiffy Lube or a place that sells ice cream novelties like choco tacos or Bubble O’Bill—

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

He’s got a bubble gum nose.

 

HOOVER

maybe your calcium atoms will become the silver sheen on scratch-off tickets, or —

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON

She’s gone.

 

HOOVER

Good work.

 

GEORGE WASHINGTON takes off his hat it was SENATOR the whole time.

 

SENATOR

I like this George Washington disguise.  Did I do good, Prez?

 

                                    WONDER PUP lumber in.

 

WONDER DOG

Bark!  Bark!

 

HOOVER

Well you’ve got Wonder Pups vote . . .

 

                                    SENATOR and HOOVER stare at each other, suddenly erotic.

 

HOOVER

Should we . . .

 

SENATOR

So it wouldn’t be . . .

 

HOOVER

Awkward . . .

 

HOOVER and SENATOR close their eyes move in to kiss, but WONDER PUP leaps up and they end up kissing WONDER PUP.  They open there eyes in shock and surprise.

 

HOOVER

Wuh-wuh-wonder pup!

 

SENATOR

What a nickel nubbler!

 

WONDER PUP

                        (Shrugs.  In weird dog voice–)

Ain’t I a stinker.

 

                                    They all laugh then it gets erotic again.

 

HOOVER

Yes . . .

 

SENATOR

Yes . . .

 

                                    They all move in for the orgy to begin.

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