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I Love My Gay Horse

February 21, 2012

TRIP and BIMINY they are two women at a ranch.           

BIMMINY

So I says, Bun, you know you can’t throw that up.

 

TRIP

What’d she say?

 

BIMMINY

Nothing she’s a rabbit.  You know rabbit’s can’t throw up.

 

TRIP

Not even vomit?

 

BIMMINY

Not even up-chuck.  They didn’t evolve to have the ability to have their cookies metaphorically tossed.

 

TRIP

Take that Darwin.

 

BIMMINY

Right up the monkey hole!

 

                                                Long beat.

 

TRIP

So the rabbit, did she eat it?

 

BIMMINY

The Twizzler?  Yep, the whole strawberry twist, right up her stupid rabbit mouth.

 

TRIP

So remember how I told you I think that horse of mine went gay . . .

 

BIMMINY

All queer’ed up you said.

 

TRIP

And I don’t mean this to be offensive; I have many gay friends from Fat Gay Sal to Thin Gay Sal and all the Gay Sal’s in between.

 

BIMMINY

And Pretty Gay Pete.

 

TRIP

Love him like a brother.  But this damn horse of mine, he’s . . . well look at him.

 

 

                                               

BIMMINY

Maybe it’s a phase, wasn’t he all into Star Wars?

 

TRIP

Pokemon.  But he collected them all and that was the end of it.  Plus his hooves they don’t work the Nintendo so good, so he’s given it up.  Not like his ancestors the Dawn horses of the Early Eocene, they had many toes, but then thanks to evolution they only got one toe left so they all prance around like ballerinas.

 

BIMMINY

Take that Darwin.  You and your strange saga of horse evolution through the epochs of a time before history.

 

TRIP

Yup.  Right up the prehistory hole. 

 

BIMMINY

So . . . you test this horse?  He looks all fruity and tarted up but he could be straight.  There’s all them fancy boy straight people like Little Richard and Hulk Hogan.

 

TRIP

Test him how?

 

BIMMINY

Like show him pictures of dicks and see if he gets all hot and heavy.

 

TRIP

Where am I gonna get pictures of dicks from?

 

BIMMINY

Dunno.  The Big Book of Dicks?

 

TRIP

Ricks?

 

BIMMINY

Yeah.  Ricks Big Book of Dicks 8th Edition.

 

TRIP

8th edition!

 

BIMMINY

They discovered 3 new kinds of dicks and updated some references to tribal peoples  . . . dicks.

 

TRIP

Worth getting?  I mean I have vol. 5 . . . they charge a lot for those. 

 

BIMMINY

Damn text-book publishers the way they evolved from a small enclave of men devoted to learning to greedy fat cats charging you an arm and a leg for a new map every time some country in Africa or Asia decides to break away or get a new flag.

 

TRIP

Take that Darwin.  Right up the Myanmar hole.   God look at that horse gallop, his long hair like the strings of some instrument playing a song I could never hear because my ears were made of mud and my soul a foolish wish a boy made when he pretended he was a knight but the only dragon was his sister and the sword he gripped was his own sweet . . .

 

BIMMINY

Sounds to me you love that queer horse.

 

TRIP

Truth be truth that horse is the best I ever saw and I never saw none better.  Except one time but that wasn’t  a real horse but an advert for cigarettes.  I bet that cigarette shilling horse is long dead.

 

BIMMINY

Take that Darwin.  Right up the nicotiana tabacum hole.

 

TRIP

That’s the scientific name for tobbacy ain’t it?

 

BIMMINY

You still remember after all these years.  Our doctoral classes in biological husbandry seem to be ages ago.

 

TRIP

I’d always just copy off your paper.  My whole thesis was just a reworked version of Byrad’s eukaryote dilemma.

 

BIMMINY

Please, you’re understanding of the innate cycle of ATP production in—

 

TRIP

                                (Crying.)

Look at that fucking fag horse go.  Run you fucking queer ass fucking beautiful perfect fudge-packing horse.  I fucking love you.  I fucking love you.

 

BIMMINY

Don’t cry up.  Horse owning microbiologist ain’t supposed to drop the salty spray, but—

                                (Crying.)

But at full cantor ain’t that horse like magic like a shimmer scimitar of truth and beauty more tangled and troublesome than the curves of the most secret writings of the Kabala—

 

TRIP

                                (Barely a whisper.)

Take that Darwin.  Right up the Tetragammaton hole.

 

BIMMINY

I’m sorry, Trip, I never realized—

 

TRIP

                                (Crying.)

Me too.  Me fucking too.

                                (To the horse pleading, full of tender mercy.)

I’m sorry I ever said those things and published that blog. 

 

BIMMINY

It’s OK . . . people can change.

 

TRIP

Right up the Darwin hole.  Oh, look . . . your fag horse just sprouted gay wings and flew off.  Like a fucking Pegasus.

 

BIMMINY

Punctuated fucking equilibrium.  Beauti-fucking-ful.

 

TRIP

                                (Watches the sky.)

Fucking fly you fucking pillow-biting queer ass friend of Dorothy horse!  You just keep pumping them twink rainbow-spangled wings and soar through them swishy clouds and into the troposphere and, and fag-gone-it . . . fly!

 

BIMMINY

Fucking fly.

 

                                Long beat.

 

TRIP

Well, gotta go circumsize my Jew Mule.

 

                                                                They head off.

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