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Best Ghost Friends

February 21, 2012

JILL is dressed as a ghost (sheet with eye holes).   BRIAN and ALI enter, ALI has a basket of laundry.

 

ALI

Spirit!   We have returned, are you still on this mortal plane?

JILL

Boo!  Yes!  Boo!

ALI

I have done this pile of laundry for you and painted that fence in the yard.  Do you feel your earthly duties are complete and you can move on?

JILL

Boo!  Alas!  Boo!  So many math problems plague me . . . I need this Algabra II homework done, problems 2 through 48, done . . . and remember . . . to show your work! . . . boo!

BRIAN

OK, enough, Jill—

JILL

Silence!  Boo!  I was—

BRIAN pulls the sheet off of JILL.

 

ALI

Oh my god!  Under your spectral garb you’re . . .

BRIAN

She’s not a ghost.

ALI

What?

JILL

No.

ALI

You didn’t drown in old McGiver’s Mill.

JILL

No, and I don’t think old McGiver’s has a mill or is even that old.

ALI

But . . . we’re the Best Ghost Friends Club I’ve been helping you move beyond this earthly veil!  I chopped all that firewood and picked those apples and . . . cleaned up your ectoplasm.

JILL

That was barf, because I was drunk from the liquor you brought me from your dad’s stash.

ALI

But you said that it was spirits to calm your restless spir . . . I chopped so much wood.

BRIAN

And we appreciate that, but we’re kind of sick of this ghost stuff.   I mean I keep having to pretend to feel cold spots and getting ghost molested in the closet.

ALI

So ghosts aren’t touching your dingus?

BRIAN

I wish.

JILL

Plus, my mom caught me with this sheet and gave me this big lecture about how it’s offensive to the Armenians or something.  She kept being like “they had a genocide too, Jill, they had a genocide too.”

ALI

But why?

JILL

I dunno, they were annoying?

BRIAN

Every since your mom won that membership to the Museum of Tolerance she’s been like a total Hitler about tolerance.

ALI

Wouldn’t that be a reverse Hitler?

JILL

No that’s when a guy punches you and then wipes his dick on your upper lip.

BRIAN

I thought that was a Steve Harvey—

JILL

No that’s—

ALI

Enough!  Why did you guys trick me?

BRIAN

Well at first we thought it was funny, because you know cruelty and you kept reading that book about hauntings.  So we were like let’s pretend there’s a ghost.

JILL

And because you smell weird.

ALI

That’s because my mom is all reconstructionist vegan and I can only rub flax seed on my pits because deodorant has rare earth metals that give you tumors.  But it doesn’t work.  It just makes this sort of paste and–

JILL

Look, honesty time.  There is no ghost, but we don’t care.  We’ve grown to enjoy your smell.  And your weird face thing.

ALI

          (Doing weird face thing.)

Weird face thing?

BRIAN

Look, Ali, we started out wanting to do this to hurt you and torment you because you know, growing up and life and wild flowers and hormones.  But here’s the really sick part, we realized we liked you.

JILL

Plus we spent so much time making you cut all that firewood that we ignored our real friends and now you’re our only friend.  So we wanted to tell you the truth, so now when we make you do things it would be for the right reasons.

BRIAN

I guess you could say the real haunting was Stockholm syndrome, because that’s what it was — like with us being held captive by you and your weird smell and your amazing ability to chop wood.

JILL

So much wood.

ALI

I’m sort of confused, but happy?

BRIAN

You should be, Jill and I are pretty great.  So I hope we all—

ALI

Actually, look I only hung around you because I wanted to be around a ghost, because that’s kind of my thing, so if none of you are actual ghosts I think I’m just going to go home.  I mean I have a lot of real ghosts that need my attention.

JILL

Wait you know real ghosts?

ALI

Oh sure and some are famous.

BRIAN

Famous ghosts or famous people who became ghosts?

ALI

Both.

BRIAN

Do they touch dingus-es?

JILL

Can’t we come along?

ALI

They touch everything.  But no.  You guys belong here, by all the wood.  I’ll see you in school or something, I don’t want to leave the Dripping Phantasm waiting.

ALI exits.

 

BRIAN

I thought a dripping phantasm was when a guy—

JILL

Shut up!  God.

JILL tosses the sheet down and storms off.  BRIAN sulks, then picks up the sheet.

 

BRIAN

You’ll touch my dingus, right?

(As Ghost.)

“Noooo.”

(Drops the sheet.)

That really is a lot of . . . what a shitty birthday.

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